I remember
reading a book by the late Dato’ Tan Chin Nam – a name many Australians also know,
thanks to his four-time wins of the Melbourne Cup – in which he advised one
never to assume things. "Assume," he said, "makes an ass out of
you and me!" It’s a simple, even crude, mnemonic, but its truth has been
unfolding for me in unexpected ways as I grow older.
I seem to have contracted a form of Obsessive Disorder syndrome. I am always reaching for my laptop to write and post articles on my blog; the urge is spontaneous. I must have inundated my friends and readers with too many postings! A friend, finding my habit intolerable, finally wrote something to this effect: I don’t care about all the things you have been writing; I just want to take care of my own health. I fully empathized with his sentiment and lost no time in offering my apology, informing him that I would henceforth exclude him from my broadcast list. I had assumed he enjoyed the constant stream of my thoughts. I was wrong.
So, friends and readers, do let me know if you do not want me to include you in my broadcast list.
This experience opened my eyes to my own behavior in other areas. I am a member of several WhatsApp chat groups – my junior high school mates, my senior high school mates, my university mates, my Muarian group, my condo group, and several others. Because of the intensity of traffic, I have put some on “locked chats”, only checking them when I have little to do. For those I allow to come through, I usually do quick scrolls and read only things I find useful. Even then, I dread seeing a junior high school mate’s constant posting of his morning taiji exercises, his cross-country runs, and even the food he eats. I couldn’t help but rub it in, asking if some of the pictures were recycled. He didn’t seem to take the hint.
Several others would, without fail – almost daily – post “Happy Monday," "Good morning, Happy Tuesday," and so on. And yet there are some who forward everything they receive, much of which is fake news. I would "curse" each time I saw such messages upon being alerted to their arrival. I therefore understood my friend’s outburst completely.
Why had I been so blind? I had assumed my own digital habits were the norm.
When KC asked if I would like to meet up with an old university mate Keong who was on a cruise ship which would be making a port call in Melbourne, I gladly offered to join him to play host. We picked him up at the pier and played tourists on the City Circle Tram. We broke our journey at the Parliament House station and had a good lunch at Sharks Fin Inn nearby. Upon our return, as the rain began to fall, we waited for quite a while for the tram. It had little standing room when we boarded, but the next two stops were horrendous. Chinese tourists forced their way into the tram even though it was already packed like sardines. The tram doors were unable to close because they were blocked by these tourists, who were clearly scared of being left behind by their tour group. They simply refused to disembark. I felt a wave of embarrassment – another moment that reinforces Western prejudice against the Chinese. But later, I wondered: was I guilty of an assumption here too, assuming their behaviour was a simple lack of manners rather than a reflection of panic and group pressure?
We later adjourned to KC’s home for tea, talking nostalgically about our university days. On our way back to his ship, my wife served a simple meal for him at our place. There, Keong shared something very candid. A top student in our Mechanical Engineering class at the University of Malaya (UM), he said that after working for a couple of years, he decided he wanted to be a millionaire. He saw an MBA as his route. He went to the US, did very well, and was offered a PhD program, which consumed all his savings. He joined the university and later became a professor until he retired two years ago. Did he become a millionaire? No lah, he said, laughing.
I pulled his leg: if he had failed his MBA, he might have become one! I remembered a saying from my graduate school days – a Distinction pass paves the way to becoming a professor, an Ordinary pass makes you a decent manager, and a Fail destines you for great success in business. How apt.
It reminded me of another friend who spent six years getting his degree with us at UM. He is one of the few who was made a Dato by one of the royal houses. He used to joke: four years, honours degree; five years, general degree; and six years, datoship!
We also talked about relationships. One of my brothers-in-law was also our classmate. (KC, Keong and he graduated with first-class honours.) And like Keong, he went to the US for his MBA. In university, he was a dasher – good-looking and a highflyer. But now he shuns classmates. He cannot get along with his daughter’s Caucasian husband and, for years, has not been on speaking terms with his brother-in-law – who is my wife’s brother – who also lives in Melbourne. At first glance, it’s puzzling. But having worked for many difficult bosses, I have learned to read body language. And as I grow older, I have become increasingly mellow, even if I still "fight" with strangers over matters of principle. This mellowness has helped me get along with him, and with many others who have their own idiosyncrasies.
Even though I am opinionated, I no longer try to persuade or influence my two middle-aged children and their children. I don’t believe they even read the books I have published or the blog I keep. I am conscious that a grandson often says I am a little "disoriented" when I speak with him. Instead of correcting him, I let it be. After all, at my age, I know I am slow in connecting things and young people tend to be impatient.
This, I now see, is the true lesson from Dato’ Tan’s advice. I assumed my friend wanted my articles. I assumed my WhatsApp group members were thoughtless. I assumed the tourists were simply rude. I assume my grandson sees my slowness as a flaw. But letting go of these assumptions – releasing the need to be understood, to correct, to impose my own narrative – has brought a peace I didn’t expect.
With this attitude, I am happy to maintain a harmonious relationship with all my loved ones and a courteous relationship with friends and acquaintances. I no longer want to make an ass out of you and me. I just want to let things be.
End
1. Many years ago, i used to comment copiously in a blog on local politics. Each time, the blogger posted a topic, i would start typing impromptu, off-the-cuff.
ReplyDeleteOne reader complained i was being too tortuously long-winded to which i replied my comments were not comments per se but actually templates because each paragraph on its own carried a theme which while germane to the topic could at the same time be used by readers to generate other topics, thus propagating what i had hoped would be a debate revolution, like eddies after a stone is thrown into a pond.
I had in mind readers overseas who would come back to vote. The blogger seemed to like the comments which generated much discussion, even once reported in the press. Alas, there's no money in voluntary writing.
However, two PMs must have read them; one agreed science and maths must be taught in English because the STEM journals for further studies are mostly in that language and there are not enough competent translators; the other ruefully admitted that the government did actually but unreportedly give more funds to vernacular schools after i had fired a fiery salvo on the unfair distribution of education funds.
2. I could start my own blog and spare YB et al. from having to read my comments; problem is, like Buridan's ass, i don't know which bale of hay to go for. Probably too dumb to start but nevertheless overwrought to add.
This too can be ascribed to a new syndrome. NAAV? nature abhors a vacuum (empty comment box). Or maybe it's because i cannot follow any instructions; will inevitably and somehow trip up.
Meanwhile....the palpable itch to explicate a total synthesis of everything, like a unified field theory on, say, geopolitics.
3. Kuok said he preferred employees with integrity than MBAs. Why not both? That said, it's a mix of taking initiative and applying knowhow. One guideline is a person is only promoted to a higher position if he is already showing the qualities needed for that position. Another guideline is employing the candidate if at the interview he already reminds of someone already in. It's still a jungle out there.
4. Knowing too much can create overthinking leading to paralysis by analysis. Could it be the reason those who succeed know less and thus are not averse to taking more risk? Didn't Shaw write, “The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.”
The problem is that most are salary-men cubicled by daily routines without the means and time to risk obligations which can wipe out their meagre savings or loan exposures, thus their family responsibility. Furthermore, like the fresh graduate told the post needs experience, banks also need collaterals. Cats catching own tails.
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ReplyDelete5. However surgeons must know deeply and apply competently and one reckons engineers need to imbibe engineering economics as well, let alone use of geotextiles for say, the Penang bridge. Incidentally, higher than grade A in UM engineering exams is Y. Why? Those years, dominated by those from Chung Ling High School.
6. Over 3,500 mainlanders died building the BRI. Not enough safety measures nor care about the value of each life, and at the subsidiary level, about etiquette in interaction - because cocooned too long, they initially have no yardstick to compare communal versus individual when they come abroad.
China Shock 1.0 was about quantity and, looking at their EVs, China Shock 2.0 is now about AI-attuning quality so they will catch up on etiquette too; one thing to note, their laser-focused quality is cratering the resale values of traditional products, for instance, gasoline vehicles.
7. Even when knowledge and wisdom accrete, each new generation tends to slide over them, eager to do things on their own without what was already painfully acquired and freely proferred. It's as though Nature expects re-learn's to slow accumulated progress.
It remains to suggest what differs from one generation to the next is the surroundings. Was there bubble tea in those yesteryears? Internet then, AI bots now. Yet transformative inventions just newly fulfill better the old and unchanging needs. Reversion to the mean.
The pair who paid someone to finish coding Whatsapp because they were stumped was paid USD19 Billion; the designer of the first email sold it for USD400 million. The brand specialist of the Toyota logo which contains all the alphabets in that oval must have been paid over a mil.
There's money to be made in services but the environment must first incubate and propagate the dynamism of services modelling. Do we, for instance, really have an AI blueprint for the masses inasmuch industries?
8. As the hourglass sands peter, the eyes and heart enjoin. Why did the rain come just now only AFTER the prayer papers were burnt? Someone would joke so much ash floated up so the clouds supercondensed. But it is very satisfying to have beliefs. Part of the great unknown, felt.
With autumn age, simplify to few needs, appreciate what comes in hand, nurse health because decay is inevitable, be kind and forgiving, and keep the candle lit to enjoy clever ideas and thoughts.
For, even as it shrinks by doing what it was made to do, a candle loses none of its light by lighting other candles.
Maybe that's why the old rock-n-roll tune exclaimed 'light my fire, baby'. Or was it, "let me make it to the telephone" (no smart phone then).