Learn to Learn
活到老,学到老
Reflections on Civility
三人行,必有我师焉
If three people walk together, one of them is surely capable of being my
teacher.
Introduction
Oh, those dreadful Sundays!
It was in the late 1970s, when I was
working for the Genting Group as their project manager. Although we operated
from the then UMBC Building next to Kampong Attap, architect Ong Chong Hock and
I were expected to follow Tan Sri Lim Goh Tong to do his rounds around Genting
Highlands every Sunday, rain or shine.
But there was much to learn from the
Old Man, as we fondly or cynically referred to him behind his back.
On one occasion, he obviously noticed
my awkwardness in squatting with the workers when we were discussing some
technical issues. I remember he advised, “You must learn how to sip champagne
when you are with the prime minister; and with the workers, you must learn to
squat.”
I also remember the visit by Wu Yi (吴仪), who was China’s Minister of Foreign Economic
Relations and Trade, to Kuala Lumpur. I was asked by Tan Sri Lim to accompany
him when she invited him to see her at Kuala Lumpur Hilton. Before he jumped
into his car, I noticed that he had taken the trouble to look at himself in a
small mirror several times.
These two lessons themselves speak
volumes!
What I am going to write is not intended
to criticise fellow Chinese. It is about learning.
Throughout my life I have been
fortunate to live, work and travel in many countries. Every journey has taught
me something – not only about the societies I visited, but also about my own.
As Chinese, we inherit one of the
world's oldest and richest civilisations. We rightly take pride in its
achievements, its philosophy, its literature and its emphasis on learning,
family and perseverance. Yet pride should never prevent reflection.
Indeed, one of the greatest strengths
of Chinese civilisation has always been its willingness to learn from others.
Buddhism came from India. Modern science reached us largely from the West. Even
within China, countless local traditions have enriched one another over
thousands of years.
Learning has never weakened Chinese
civilisation.
During my travels, I have often
observed small acts of courtesy that left lasting impressions: a stranger
quietly holding a door open; passengers instinctively forming orderly queues;
public spaces kept remarkably clean by people who never expected praise for
doing so.
I have also observed habits among my
fellow Chinese that, in my opinion, deserve reconsideration – not because they
are uniquely Chinese, but because they sometimes reinforce unfortunate
stereotypes that fail to reflect the dignity of our civilisation.
That is why I have chosen to title this essay Learn to Learn. It
is inspired by the old Chinese saying, 活到老,学到老
- learn for as long as you
live. If these pages encourage readers to become a little more thoughtful, a
little more considerate, and a little more willing to learn from the world
around them, then I shall consider the effort worthwhile.
From head to toes
We simply need to be neat.
Many Chinese leaders before Xi Jinping
seemed fond of what we Malaysians used to call "ICI
hair" – so uniformly dyed that the colour appeared almost painted on.
There is, of course, nothing wrong with colouring one's hair. But dye alone
rarely makes us look younger. A neat haircut, appropriate to one's age and
profession, usually creates a much better impression.
The same applies to eyebrows,
sideburns and facial hair. Ditto our nostril hair. (Traditional Chinese culture
often associates long eyebrows with wisdom and longevity. I have no quarrel
with that belief. But wisdom need not be untidy.)
A neatly kept moustache or beard can
look elegant. However, a neglected one looks like a wild bush.
We often imagine that people notice
the big things – our suits, our watches or the cars we drive. In reality, they also
notice the little things – a pair of spectacles with greasy lenses. Others are:
dandruff, food trapped between the teeth, untrimmed fingernails, or a comb
sticking conspicuously out of a shirt pocket like a thumb.
I am guilty of many of these things
too. If we expect others to look us in the eye during a conversation, we should
spare them unnecessary distractions.
Likewise, habits such as picking one's
nose, cleaning one's ears or removing food from between one's teeth may
sometimes be unavoidable. But they are private acts best carried out in wash
rooms or private corners.
By all means wear your Bally
shoes, your Rolex watch and your designer shirt – but not for conspicuous
display. Choose colours that suit
Fresh breath and a pleasant smile are
small but meaningful ways of showing respect for ourselves and for those we
meet.
Living considerately with others
Every day we share public spaces with
strangers – on pavements, in airports, railway stations, lifts, shopping
centres, restaurants and parks. Most of us neither know nor will ever meet
these people again. Yet for a few brief moments our lives intersect. Whether
those moments are pleasant or unpleasant depends largely on how considerate we
are.
One of the easiest ways to assess a
society is simply to watch how people behave in public.
Do motorists stop for pedestrians especially
when they have the right of way? Do they signal when they make a turn?
Do passengers queue patiently? Do they
leave public toilets clean for the next person?
(One incident has remained in my mind
for many years. Many years ago, I was waiting to check in at Fuzhou Airport
when a man arrived later and headed straight to the counter to be served. Nobody
seemed particularly bothered. I was.
I politely reminded him that even a nán-mǎn
(南蠻) like me – a barbarian from the south
knew that queues existed for a reason. Why couldn't he observe the same
courtesy?
He looked rather embarrassed. After
muttering something under his breath, he reluctantly returned to the back of
the queue.
I have often recalled that small
incident. But, of course, this happened many years ago. I have not encountered
such behaviour anymore. However, I did notice some anxious travellers
trying to cut in line to resolve their ticketing issues. That is perhaps more excusable.)
A queue is about much more than waiting
one's turn. That, surely, is one mark of a civilised society.
Don't become an obstacle
Over the years I have noticed another
habit.
Friends unexpectedly meet in a shopping
centre. They stop immediately to chat – in the middle of the walkway. Families
step off an escalator and come to a complete halt while deciding where to go
next, oblivious to the people piling up behind them. Tour groups gather at
entrances precisely where everyone else is trying to enter or leave.
Most of these people are not rude. They
are simply unaware.
Courtesy often begins with awareness. If
we wish to stop and talk, step to one side.
If we want to admire a shop window,
leave room for others to pass. If local custom requires standing on one side of
an escalator, observe it.
These things cost nothing. Yet they make
life more pleasant for everyone.
Offer our seat to those who need it more
In airports, train stations and other
public places, I often see able-bodied people occupying seats clearly meant for
the elderly, people with disabilities, pregnant women or those who are simply
in greater need.
Such seats are not reserved by accident.
They exist because a civilised society recognises that some people need a
little more consideration than others.
If we are able-bodied and comfortable
standing, we should offer the seat without waiting to be asked.
Courtesy is not demonstrated only in
grand gestures. Very often, it is shown in small acts of awareness. Do show
that you care.
Mind our voice
Chinese are, by nature, expressive
people. We enjoy animated conversations.
We laugh heartily. We speak with
enthusiasm.
There is nothing wrong with that. The
difficulty arises when we forget that we are not the only people occupying the
space.
One often encounters groups of
compatriots in hotel lobbies, airports or restaurants talking as though nobody
else exists. They compete to outdo one another, each speaking a little louder
than the last.
What sounds perfectly normal within the
group can become surprisingly intrusive to everyone outside it.
Good manners require us to remain
conscious of those who are not participating in our conversation.
The volume of our voice is, in a sense,
another form of consideration.
Hygiene Is also courtesy
There are certain personal habits that
affect not only ourselves but everyone around us.
Cover your mouth if you are coughing
persistently. Repeated throat-clearing, blowing one's nose loudly during a meal
and spitting on the pavement are disgusting.
Strong body odour, bad breath, and the
likes are things friends are usually too polite to tell you. And strangers
simply form an impression.
Many of these problems can be reduced
through simple hygiene or appropriate medical attention. Some cannot be avoided
altogether. When they cannot, discretion becomes even more important.
A handkerchief or tissue has saved many
people unnecessary embarrassment.
So has the simple habit of excusing
oneself briefly.
Good hygiene is not merely about
cleanliness. It is another way of showing respect for others.
Small courtesies make great societies
Civilisation is built one courtesy at a
time - someone holds a door open; another says "thank you."; a
stranger gives way; wait for people to leave the lift before stepping in; a motorist
allows another car to merge; someone quietly picks up a piece of litter.
Collectively, they define a society. The
same principle applies to us as individuals. As I have grown older, I have
become increasingly convinced that character reveals itself in small things.
Dining etiquette
One can tell a great deal about a person
by watching him at the dining table.
Meals are occasions for friendship,
hospitality and conversation. Business relationships have been forged over
meals. Families have settled differences around the dining table. Lifelong
friendships have often begun with nothing more than an invitation to lunch.
The Chinese, fortunately, understand
hospitality very well. We enjoy entertaining friends, and few cultures can
match the generosity of a Chinese banquet.
Yet generosity and good manners are not
always the same thing.
The first duty of a host is to make guests
feel comfortable. Receive our guests warmly. If they do not know one another,
introduce them. If the restaurant has an attractive view or there is
entertainment, give your guests the better position.
A good host thinks about his guests
before thinking about himself.
I have attended dinners where every dish
was expensive, yet the atmosphere was awkward. I have also attended simple
meals where everyone left smiling.
The difference was never the food. It
was the host.
The table is shared
The dining table is one place where
consideration for others becomes immediately visible.
Avoid talking while chewing.
Try not to wave your chopsticks while
making a point.
If you need to cough or sneeze, excuse
yourself.
If food becomes lodged between your
teeth, resist the temptation to perform dental surgery in front of everyone.
The restroom was invented for precisely such purposes.
These are hardly profound lessons.
Yet they contribute greatly to the
comfort of those sharing the meal.
Good table manners are less about
elegance than about consideration.
A few words about chopsticks
Chinese have used chopsticks for
thousands of years. Strangely enough, many of us still handle them rather
badly.
One habit I have never quite understood
is the tendency to rummage through a communal dish in search of the very best
piece, rather like a prospector panning for gold.
Decide what you want before reaching in.
Pick it up neatly.
If you accidentally drop something on
the floor, pick it up with a tissue and place it out of sight.
Likewise, when you pause during a meal,
place your chopsticks on the chopstick rest, or neatly beside your bowl. They
need not remain permanently attached to your fingers.
If serving utensils are available, use
them. If they are not, common sense should prevail. It is consideration for
everyone sharing the meal.
And don’t use chopsticks to point at
people!
Respect your guests' preferences
One of the pleasures of Chinese dining
is encouraging guests to sample different dishes. There is, however, a fine
line between encouragement and insistence.
Some people do not drink alcohol. Others
avoid certain foods for religious, cultural, medical or personal reasons.
Muslim guests do not take pork, and many also avoid amphibious creatures or
food that may not be halal. Hindus do not take beef. Vegetarians avoid meat and
may take only vegetables, fruits and other plant-based food. Some guests may
also avoid seafood, alcohol or raw food for health reasons.
A good host should find out discreetly
beforehand, not after the dishes have arrived at the table.
Hospitality should never place guests in
an awkward position.
One should never hear, "Just one
more glass!" or "Surely you can eat this!" after a guest has
politely declined.
Courtesy sometimes means accepting
"No" gracefully.
To those who serve us
Good service deserves appreciation. A
sincere "thank you" is always welcome.
However, friendliness should never be
mistaken for an invitation to become overly familiar.
I have occasionally seen diners flirt
excessively with waitresses or waiters, make personal remarks about their
appearance, or prolong conversations when staff are clearly trying to attend to
other customers.
Such behaviour is unfair to those who
are simply carrying out their duties. It may also cause embarrassment to
everyone at the table.
Courtesy requires us to recognise the
difference between warmth and familiarity. Treat those who serve us with the
same respect we would wish members of our own family to receive in their
workplace.
Train your staff
People almost always remember how they
were treated. Good service is therefore not simply a commercial skill.
Were your guests greeted warmly? Did
someone genuinely listen? Did anyone make them feel welcome?
Does the guest need a personal spoon to
enjoy his bowl or soup or fried rice? Or is there a common spoon or a pair of
chopsticks for each dish? Or a separate serve of soya sauce for each guest?
The best waiter notices your empty glass
before you ask for another drink. And be vigilant for beckons for assistance or
service. Tunnel vision is one of the quickest ways to frustrate customers.
It is anticipation. It comes from paying
attention.
(I often find these lacking even in
pretty high-end Chinese restaurants in Melbourne. Maybe most of them are casual
workers. Training begins with the owners or captains!)
Managers often believe that leadership
consists of writing procedures, issuing instructions and conducting meetings. But
they are not enough.
Staff observe their leaders every day. If
a manager greets customers warmly, the staff are more likely to do likewise.
Learning from the world
There is an old Chinese saying: 三人行,必有我师焉 -
"If three people walk
together, one of them is surely capable of being my teacher." Confucius
understood, more than two thousand years ago, that wisdom is not the monopoly
of any one individual. Nor, I would add, is it the monopoly of any one
civilisation.
A civilisation that is truly confident
has nothing to fear from observing the strengths of others.
There is no perfect nation. Nor is there
a perfect people. Every society also has habits that could be improved.
The Japanese have earned worldwide
respect for their cleanliness, orderliness and consideration in public places. Many
Europeans have shown remarkable commitment to preserving their historical
buildings, parks and public spaces.
Chinese civilisation, in turn, has
always attached enormous importance to family, education, hard work and
perseverance.
Surely the wiser question is not, "Which
civilisation is superior?" but, "What can we learn from one
another?"
From the places of worship…
One of my favourite places to visit in
any country is its places of worship.
I am fascinated not only by their
architecture but also by the atmosphere they create. Walking into a great
cathedral in Europe, one is often struck by the silence. Even visitors who are
not Christians instinctively lower their voices. The building itself seems to
command reverence.
Japanese temples leave a rather
different impression. Their beauty lies not in grandeur but in simplicity. Everything
appears carefully maintained – the gardens, the timber and the pathways. Even
the silence seems deliberate.
Chinese temples are different again. They
are colourful, lively and rich in symbolism. For millions of worshippers they
remain places of sincere devotion. Yet I have often wondered whether we might
also borrow something from the serenity one finds elsewhere.
A place of worship should inspire not
only admiration but also quiet reflection.
Learning from another culture does not
diminish our own. It enriches it.
Lessons from cemeteries
The same thought has often crossed my
mind while walking through cemeteries.
Many European cemeteries resemble
peaceful gardens. People visit not only to remember the dead but also to enjoy
the tranquility. They are places of reflection rather than fear.
If we spend so much effort honouring
them during festivals, should we not also care for the places where they rest
throughout the year?
How we treat the dead tells us something
about how we value memory itself.
(That said, this is changing, at least
in Malaysia. Bereavement services have become a significant industry, and many
modern memorial parks are beautifully landscaped and meticulously maintained.
They offer families a peaceful and dignified environment in which to remember
their loved ones.)
Learning Is a sign of confidence
Some people believe that adopting good
habits from another culture somehow weakens their own identity. I believe
exactly the opposite. The confident person learns freely because he knows who
he is.
The same is true of nations. The
strongest civilisations have never been those that isolated themselves from the
world. They were the ones confident enough to absorb new ideas while remaining
true to their own values.
Chinese civilisation has survived for
thousands of years precisely because it has always possessed that confidence. May
it never lose it.
Arrogance Is Kurang Ajar
The last point I wish to make concerns a
habit that I commonly come across – the tendency to dismiss the views of
parents, relatives or friends simply because we think we know better.
I was once guilty of this myself.
When I was young, I often brushed aside
my father's Daoist practices, believing them to be old-fashioned and
superstitious. I thought I was being rational and modern. Looking back, I
realise how foolish I was. In doing so, I not only hurt him but also failed to
appreciate the logic, wisdom and accumulated experience embedded in many of
those traditions.
Life has a way of teaching us humility.
Today, one of my grandsons often tells me that some of my views or habits are “not cool”. I
smile to myself, because I recognise the same youthful confidence that I once
displayed towards my own father. History, it seems, has come full circle. I
understand his mindset and am content to let him discover, in his own time,
that age and experience have lessons that books alone cannot teach.
This, I believe, is where we as parents
and grandparents have an important responsibility. We should encourage our
children to be confident, but never arrogant. Success in life can easily breed
conceit. Humility, on the other hand, allows us to keep learning. It reminds us
that no matter how educated or accomplished we become, there is always
something to learn from those who have walked the path before us.
The Malays and Indonesians have a
wonderfully expressive phrase – kurang ajar. Literally, it means
"insufficiently taught," but it is better understood as describing
someone who is lacking in good upbringing. It is not simply about being rude;
it is about failing to show respect, courtesy and humility towards others.
In my view, arrogance is perhaps the
clearest manifestation of kurang ajar.
Bottom of Form
Conclusion
Good manners are not Western. They are
not Eastern. They are not Chinese. Nor are they Japanese, European or American.
They are simply expressions of respect. Respect
for ourselves. Respect for other people. Respect for society. Everything else
is simply the outward expression of that respect.
Perhaps that is why one old Chinese
saying has remained with me throughout my life:
活到老,学到老。
Learn for as long as you live.
I can think of no better advice—not only
for individuals, but also for nations and civilisations.
End