In Relationship Management, Never Assume things…

 

I remember reading a book by the late Dato’ Tan Chin Nam – a name many Australians also know, thanks to his four-time wins of the Melbourne Cup – in which he advised one never to assume things. "Assume," he said, "makes an ass out of you and me!" It’s a simple, even crude, mnemonic, but its truth has been unfolding for me in unexpected ways as I grow older.

I seem to have contracted a form of Obsessive Disorder syndrome. I am always reaching for my laptop to write and post articles on my blog; the urge is spontaneous. I must have inundated my friends and readers with too many postings! A friend, finding my habit intolerable, finally wrote something to this effect: I don’t care about all the things you have been writing; I just want to take care of my own health. I fully empathized with his sentiment and lost no time in offering my apology, informing him that I would henceforth exclude him from my broadcast list. I had assumed he enjoyed the constant stream of my thoughts. I was wrong.

So, friends and readers, do let me know if you do not want me to exclude you in my broadcast list.

This experience opened my eyes to my own behavior in other areas. I am a member of several WhatsApp chat groups – my junior high school mates, my senior high school mates, my university mates, my Muarian group, my condo group, and several others. Because of the intensity of traffic, I have put some on “locked chats”, only checking them when I have little to do. For those I allow to come through, I usually do quick scrolls and read only things I find useful. Even then, I dread seeing a junior high school mate’s constant posting of his morning taiji exercises, his cross-country runs, and even the food he eats. I couldn’t help but rub it in, asking if some of the pictures were recycled. He didn’t seem to take the hint.

Several others would, without fail – almost daily – post “Happy Monday," "Good morning, Happy Tuesday," and so on. And yet there are some who forward everything they receive, much of which is fake news. I would "curse" each time I saw such messages upon being alerted to their arrival. I therefore understood my friend’s outburst completely.

Why had I been so blind? I had assumed my own digital habits were the norm.

When KC asked if I would like to meet up with an old university mate Keong who was on a cruise ship which would be making a port call in Melbourne, I gladly offered to join him to play host. We picked him up at the pier and played tourists on the City Circle Tram. We broke our journey at the Parliament House station and had a good lunch at Sharks Fin Inn nearby. Upon our return, as the rain began to fall, we waited for quite a while for the tram. It had little standing room when we boarded, but the next two stops were horrendous. Chinese tourists forced their way into the tram even though it was already packed like sardines. The tram doors were unable to close because they were blocked by these tourists, who were clearly scared of being left behind by their tour group. They simply refused to disembark. I felt a wave of embarrassment – another moment that reinforces Western prejudice against the Chinese. But later, I wondered: was I guilty of an assumption here too, assuming their behaviour was a simple lack of manners rather than a reflection of panic and group pressure?

We later adjourned to KC’s home for tea, talking nostalgically about our university days. On our way back to his ship, my wife served a simple meal for him at our place. There, Keong shared something very candid. A top student in our Mechanical Engineering class at the University of Malaya (UM), he said that after working for a couple of years, he decided he wanted to be a millionaire. He saw an MBA as his route. He went to the US, did very well, and was offered a PhD program, which consumed all his savings. He joined the university and later became a professor until he retired two years ago. Did he become a millionaire? No lah, he said, laughing.

I pulled his leg: if he had failed his MBA, he might have become one! I remembered a saying from my graduate school days – a Distinction pass paves the way to becoming a professor, an Ordinary pass makes you a decent manager, and a Fail destines you for great success in business. How apt.

It reminded me of another friend who spent six years getting his degree with us at UM. He is one of the few who was made a Dato by one of the royal houses. He used to joke: four years, honours degree; five years, general degree; and six years, datoship!

We also talked about relationships. One of my brothers-in-law was also our classmate. (KC, Keong and he graduated with first-class honours.) And like Keong, he went to the US for his MBA. In university, he was a dasher – good-looking and a highflyer. But now he shuns classmates. He cannot get along with his daughter’s Caucasian husband and, for years, has not been on speaking terms with his brother-in-law – who is my wife’s brother – who also lives in Melbourne. At first glance, it’s puzzling. But having worked for many difficult bosses, I have learned to read body language. And as I grow older, I have become increasingly mellow, even if I still "fight" with strangers over matters of principle. This mellowness has helped me get along with him, and with many others who have their own idiosyncrasies.

Even though I am opinionated, I no longer try to persuade or influence my two middle-aged children and their children. I don’t believe they even read the books I have published or the blog I keep. I am conscious that a grandson often says I am a little "disoriented" when I speak with him. Instead of correcting him, I let it be. After all, at my age, I know I am slow in connecting things and young people tend to be impatient.

This, I now see, is the true lesson from Dato’ Tan’s advice. I assumed my friend wanted my articles. I assumed my WhatsApp group members were thoughtless. I assumed the tourists were simply rude. I assume my grandson sees my slowness as a flaw. But letting go of these assumptions – releasing the need to be understood, to correct, to impose my own narrative – has brought a peace I didn’t expect.

With this attitude, I am happy to maintain a harmonious relationship with all my loved ones and a courteous relationship with friends and acquaintances. I no longer want to make an ass out of you and me. I just want to let things be.

End